The difference is that while some of us had intense training before getting sick, most of us disabled folk who come to the martial arts come with the mind of a newborn, and the body of an old man. We have all the weakness, but we haven’t trained our spirit to compensate.

But it is what it is. I am not the young boy Master Deshimaru speaks of, and I am not the old man. I am this young-old woman, in this unbalanced body. I think that if I could ask him today how to balance those things, he’d remind me: I am in this particular place, in this particular moment, facing this particular technique, as best I can remember it with this particular mind, as well as I can with this particular body. And when this one is done, there will be another.

I lose track of my library books. I might have, considering the whole family, 20 books out at a time. And I do well until I get sick for a while, and then I lose track of everything, and when I’m feeling better, I can’t remember (or even find!) the books. When that happens, I end up with a huge fine, which I then have to deal with.

So when it happened last time, my thoughts were Hey! It’s been a really long time since this happened! That’s awesome. It gets less and less frequent. My husband, friend, parents, etc., though, say “there she goes again.” Which is the right approach?

I’ve tried hiding because I can’t count on myself. I’ve tried, for example, not taking out any more library books (or making any other commitments). It’s a horrible life! So I choose to move forward, to try again.

And to be honest, I think having areas to improve is delightful. Growth is what makes life such a treasure. (Good thing I enjoy it. I have a lot more coming.)

Anybody want to go for a good, long, bike-ride?

Yes, sure, we’re running out of oil. But if you’re thinking that means we will no longer be able to depend on the folks with the power, that we’ll have to become human again, I’m afraid you’re fooling yourself. Those with the money and the power have plenty of ways to maintain the status quo, in whatever form.

* Nanotech is coming, and that will drastically change what can be done. Nanotech is expensive, and will remain in the hands of the powerful.

* The guns are in the hands of the people in power, and that won’t change (unless we change it)

* Food and medicines may not be able to easily travel great distances, but they can still be controlled by land-”owners,” who will decide what to grow and how to grow, and tell us what we can and cannot eat.

It’s not that I’m being pessimistic. I have a wonderful vision of the future, and I believe it can come about. But it isn’t going to happen magically, because we run out of oil. We’re going to have to create it.

And *that’s* the real reason for eating locally, creating community, and making sure you know how to take care of yourself and your loved ones. Take your life back from the creepy corporate powers, and become your own person.

Don’t do it because the sky is falling. Do it because you remember that you are human.

I learned something about good days yesterday, though. See, I ride a couple of miles to my community garden space, and when I have to go uphill, I often barely (baaaaaaaarely) make it in first gear. Yesterday, I went over the hill in my highest gear. In fact, I rode the whole way in my highest or second-highest gear. I never used anything under 6 (out of 7).

That’s the only thing that told me I was having a good day. I was happy that I’d decided to bike, thinking I wasn’t being as lazy as usual, but I didn’t recognize that the day was any different until I noticed how easy it was to bike. In fact, my first thought was that the bike, or the weather, or the roads were different. “Did I fill up the tires?” I just don’t consider the possibility that my body doesn’t work sometimes. I had decided (on the bad days) that it was the ride that was difficult, rather than my body not working.

You might wonder why I share things like this. It’s because I figure that there are other people out there living in denial, and reading about how thick-headed I am might just help them open their eyes. And, I suppose, I hope it’ll help me remember as well.

The good news is that I’m learning things. I think it’s taken me this long to get the big lesson through my head, the one about taking care of myself.

I thought I was getting it, but only recently have I really been able to set aside my obligations and go to bed if I need to, or even go sit by the river and watch the geese. In my old life, that would have counted as “wasting time” and “goofing off.” Now, sometimes it’s the only hope I have today of being well enough to work tomorrow.

So no Karate for now. My new love is my bike. And it hardly hurts at all to ride.

Are you a poet
the new guy asks, trying
to assess my fuckability

I don’t know how to answer
How do I say I’m too busy being
the creative force of the universe
to be his poet,
fuckable
or not

How do I say that being god
occupies nearly every waking moment,
and many sleeping ones,
that molding this glistening river
along the green bike path takes up
less of my time, really, than the
appreciating of it, and the rest
of the view from heaven

You created me, and I you.
The difference is that I know this,
and you do not.

If you did, you wouldn’t ask
if I’m a poet.

This honors student was then sent to an “alternative education” program for behavior-problems. He won’t be finishing his senior year with his classmates, and he won’t be at his own graduation ceremony.

For 13 years he has asked permission to go to the bathroom. He has learned to regulate his days by the sound of a bell, and he has honed his ability to give teachers what they want in exchange for privilege and approval. This is the thanks he gets.

Of course, George Bush doesn’t approve, but he does make it clear that this will help further his agenda, saying, “My message to the Iraqi government is `We stand with you as you take the steps necessary to not only reconcile politically, but also put a security force in place that is able to deal with these kinds of people.’”

And in other news, a suicide bomber blew up a truck on a Baghdad bridge today, killing about ten people, and sending cars into the Tigris river.

Have you ever noticed how more—more soldiers, more U.S. involvement, more “security,” more government power—more always seems to lead to results like this? Wonder what else the surge will bring us?

Pray for peace, y’all. Pray for awareness. We are one.